When life gets bad don’t feel so sick, you Filter it! Filter it! You grab a phone and snap a pic and Filter it! Filter it! Life’s not always radiant You’ve got to click a gradient No need to be a lady in despair Cus’ Here You Are An Artist Even When There’s Not An Ounce of Talent There When life gets low and creepy ya just Filter it! Filter it! It takes a dash of sepia So filter it! Filter it! Your coffee’s laced with arsenic But Nashville’s gonna do the trick They’ll double tap their thumb to it And praise their freakin’ phone Cus’ here you’re a photographer when all you really are is just alone I failed my midterms! Filter it! My house got robbed! Filter it! My cat got shot! Filter it! I have a tapeworm… When life has lost a sense of class you Filter it! Filter it! You pout your lips, stick out your ass and Filter it! Filter it! Your Captions gotta flow with ease to hide your insecurities Before you drink that antifreezee beware: When you’re lying on your death bed take a selfie, 1, 2, 3 Apply a simple hashtag such as #RIP Cus’ you’ll have to show St. Peter you were valued virtually Cus’ he’s not gonna take your shit It’s 100 likes or the fiery pit With that in mind, go on a and filter it! Filter It!

A Little King Born In A Manger By The Golden Bales of Hay Would Seem Closer To A Stranger If That King Were Born Today And As He Waited For A Palace We’d Just Sip Or Joes Instead From Our Sacrilegious Chalices of Red and Only Red We’re Singin’ Merry Christmas To You Starbucks Let’s Put The Star In Starbucks Once Again- The Star of Bethlehem! If I Can’t Mix My Beans and Soy In Cups That Tell Me I’m A Goy Then I’ll Forget To Show Good Will Towards Men We’re Singin’ Merry Christmas To You Starbucks It’s Time For You To Learn Some Christian Class And We’ve Got Lots To Spare This Used To Be The Coffee Place To Kneel And Sing Amazing Grace Now Where Else Can We Do That But At Mass? And We’ll Refuse Your Coffee Black Until You Give Us Jesus Back Cus’ All I Want For Christmas Is Equality Now We Request Some Holy Water Buy The Entrance Hanging High And A Priest To Say “Our Father” As We Order Oprah Chai And An Opportunity Is Missed Like Nothing Ever Was If We Can’t Receive Eucharist From Your Teenaged Baristas We’re Singin’ Merry Christmas To You Starbucks First It’s Our Cups and Then Our Dignity And Then Our Christmas Tree! My Coffee’s Only Half As Great Unless It Transubstantiates That’s Never Been A Prob At Dunkin’ D You Know We’re Singin’ Merry Christmas To You Starbucks Let’s Not Deny Our Nativity’s Been Scared And You’re The Ones To Blame The Wisemen Dropped In Mary’s Lap Two Cappuccinos and A Frap But They At Least Attached A Birthday Card If You Want War, It’s Yours In Spades Bitch, We Invented The Crusades Cus All I Want For Christmas Is Equality You May Say There’s Other More Important Things To Pray For But Those Are Issues I Would Rather Save Another Day For There’s Racists Waving Blades And Africans With Aids So I’ll Pray For Them At Starbucks! Jesus Christ, I Hate My Keurig… We’re Singin’ Merry Christmas To You Starbucks In Your Sock You’ll Find A Charcoal Lump Direct From Santa Clause A Cup That Proves That I Can Read Is All The Proof Of God I Need Just Go Ahead and Ask Saint Donald Trump! Ya Know We’re Singin’ Merry Christmas To You Starbucks I’ll Keep This Up Till Your Spirits All Are Moved By The Holy Ghost Your PC Ways Are Sure To Fail So I Expect The Holy Grail I Like My Lattes Vatican Approved I’ll Let My Nephews Call Me Dunce Just Let Me Feel Oppressed For Once Cus All I Want For Christmas Is Equality

If you fix up a monster, If You Slick back his hair There’s less people Who Argue and more people who care You will notice a decrease in screams from the crowd full of terror And the “oohs” and the “ahs” that replace make you wonder how there was error If You Fix Up A Monster Teach Him Greek For A Start Teach Him All The New Phrases The Phases in Culture and Art Once committed to memory the movements of Bach and Puccini You’ve created a guest that is best for a night meant to share Linguini Monsters Don’t Know How To Write What Is Black, What Is White Was Is Salmon and Pink Monsters Don’t Know How To Dine How To Judge A fine wine They Don’t Know How To Think Their Hair Falls Into The Stew And That’s Why The Jobs Up To You If You Fix up a Monster and spruce up his decor If you teach him to dance, everybody in France says Bonjour Once You’ve looked in his eyes, realize that you must put your arm in Your not safe till He’s formed an opinion on Faust, La Boheme and Carmen If You Fix Up A Monster Once His Satin Is Mauve When He’s Formal, He’s Normal and Suddenly pleasant and suave Once You’ve Put Him To Work, Once You’ve Made Him A Man of Vocation Soon He’s Warming, Conforming And carrying on Languid Conversation Monsters Have Nails Far too Long And Their Posture Is Wrong And Their Tails, What A Sight! Letting Them Live Like A Beast is just Lazy! At least we can tell wrong from right! They’re Just Afraid To Ask So Let’s Put Ourselves To Task And To Fix Up These Monsters That’s The Least We Could Give Thank God there’s people like us to show them how to live! So break out your chains and your whips and your grandmother’s muzzle! And let’s make this world fit together just like one big jigsaw puzzle! Time to fix up a monster Let your kids do the same! Let them see that they’re different! To Squander Their Help is a shame! We need to nip this problem in the bud before these monster’s thirst for human blood So let them know they too are welcome in this race We all can fix up a monster! Fix up a monster And make this world a better normal place! Fix up a monster!

I Was Never One To Jump To Conclusions I Think When All Is Said and Done Most Things Are Illusions I’m By No Means A Detective Not Sherlock In Any Way But I Think From My Perspective The Clues Are Adding Up And Yup, I Think It’s Safe To Say I Think My Roommate Is A Neo Nazi So I’m Thinking Now I Should’ve Gone To Pace I Wanted To Cry When He Looked In My Eye I Politely Said Hi He Politely Said Heil The Master Race My Roommate Is A Neo Nazi Cus’ He Handed Me “Mein Kampf” and Said “Give It A Try” But I’m Not One To Judge Who Am I To Hold A Grudge He’s A Nazi But That Doesn’t Mean That He’s A Bad Guy I Didn’t Want to Start To Yap Or Make Him Think I Was a Pinhead But when He Removed his Cap I Saw In Fact, He was a skinhead But When We Started Hanging Pictures, That Is When It All Seemed Clear Above His Head He Hung Swastikas So of course I was offended Cus’ It Clashes with the curtains, dear My Roommate Is A Neo Nazi His tattoos say it all each time he’ll flex I Knew that’s how it goes As we both unpacked our clothes He said he loved the Strasser Bros. I Said I Loved “American History X” My Roommate Is A Neo Nazi As “Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Führer” he would cry But I’m Not Gonna To Fight If that’s him, then that’s all right He’s A Nazi But not necessarily a bad guy We went to the dining room I Got Pasta with Pesto As I Gave Him My Number He Gave Me His Manifesto But College is diversity You have to face adversity Isn’t this what liberal arts should bring? So go ahead let his alarm clock ring: My Roommate Is A Neo Nazi His Xenophobic Rants may cause some pain But We Both Share a Key And he owns a PS3 Plus, we both love Walt Disney So, c’mon, how could I complain? I Mean Really! He’s by definition A Neo Nazi And Honestly I Don’t Think He’d Deny But The Jesuits Demand To Love Thy Fellow Man He’s A Nazi, but That Doesn’t Mean That He’s A Nazi, but Necessarily A Nazi, But That Doesn’t Mean That He’s A Bad Guy Well, I Have To Go Cus’ Me and Friedrich are going to see “Inside Out”

Daddy Says The World Is Too Insane Mama Says That She Agrees Daddy Says I’m Young, so he’ll Refrain From Talkin’ Bout The Birds and The Bees Mama Says My Brain Will Take Me Far If I Can Tell My Up from Down Daddy Says Avoid A Stranger’s Car And Neighborhoods With Tints of Brown Daddy Says “The World’s A Scary Place People Won’t Have Thoughts Like Yours” Mama Says The Home’s The Safest Space Daddy Says To Shut The Doors Mama Says The Good Outweigh the Bad But Watch Out For The Chosen Few Daddy Says That People Make Him Mad That’s Funny, cus’ That’s What I Think Too! Daddy Says The World Is Out of Line Daddy Says That Fires Rage Mama Says No Reading After Nine of Headlines on a Cover Page Daddy Says There’s Lots of Things to Like Like Sun and Flowers Fresh In Bloom Daddy Bought For Me A Brand New Bike For Me To Ride Within My Room Daddy Says He Knows The Earth In All It’s Glory It’s Dirty and It’s Smelly And It’s Smart And Gory Mama Says She Once Was Young and Watched The Country Fall “Don’t Think About The War or Drought In Fact, Don’t Think of Anything At All!” Daddy Double Locked The Bedroom Door Mama Says That She’s Impressed Daddy Chained My Ankles To The Floor And Told Me It Was For The Best I Can Tolerate My Daily Shots It’s Safety That I Will Accrue Mom and Dad, They Say “Don’t Think A lot, We’ll Think of Everything for You”. Don’t Think Because We’ll Think For You

They're Basically Basic Put Simply, They're Simple They're Not Much Beyond Flesh and Bone Unkempt and Unpolished And Landmines of Pimples Caged Into A World All Their Own Then Somebody Daring, Well Spoken and Dashing Who Just Bats and Eyelash Can Make DC Bow Out There You Have No Shot They'll Call You A Robot So Let's Change Your Settings For Now And Appeal To The People The People Are Monkeys So, Buddy You Need To Adjust Appeal To The People The People Are Apish It's Just For Bananas They Lust So Make Some Plantain Chips And Whip Up A Pie And Preach For The 'Nanas And Then, You're Their Guy! Appeal To The People, Forgive Me, The Monkeys, And You, Sir, Are Going To Score Appeal To The People And Once You're A Monkey, Then They Will Be Monkeys No More What A World You Will Create With Heston As Your Running Mate When You're The Man They're Told To Hate, They Will But They'll Support The Average Schmo The Monkey That They Know They Know It Worked For Ronald Reagan So, Call Jim Along Joe And Let's Go! They're Awfully Awful Each Monkey A Goon, Sir The Only Thing Good Is Their Spleens They Aren't Just Rednecks, Their Necks Are Maroon, Sir Platoons in the Monkey Marines Then Someone from U Penn Whose Policies Pander To Fellow Alumni Can Shine With One Breath But Cross Oklahoma Without Your Diploma The Latin May Scare Them To Death Appeal To The People The People Are Monkeys And So We Should Be Monkeys Too! Appeal To The People The People Are Chimpish Go Pick Up Some Chimps from the Zoo And Study Their Habits And See What They Know After All, We Were Monkeys Too Not Long Ago So Appeal To The People And Practice Your Chimpese And Learn To Eat Shit From The Floor Appeal To The People Appeal To The Monkeys! And They Will Be Monkeys No More

From my time in Pre-k To the hours of Today I’ve Always Been A Popular Girl As I buy chick-fil-a Folks come up and say “Hey” and they get me a black and white swirl On the highway I drive giving kids a high five and a freshly picked Granny Smith But I got a new friend that I’m planning to spend my Columbus Day Weekend with! Me and the Pope are besties! Me and the Pope are buds! Well, he arrived on the scene in his stretched limousine that was stocked with Mountain Dew and Milk Duds! They’re my favorite. Me and the Pope are besties! (There was somethin’ there…) After our initial spark! (…As he braided your hair) Well, he handed me cash a tiara and sash and processed through central park! We walked our dogs and flew a kite It’s nice to know that I was always right! When I walk into work, it’s too hard not to smirk. My friends always invite to hang. (“Go hang yourself, Kim!”) As I peel out the lot, kids say “How’s it goin’, twat!” They’re in tune with all the latest slang! At the YMCA all the fellas go cray. I had to just marry four. But I found a new guy and he makes me heart fly I’m way too #blessed to stress anymore Because me and the Pope are besties! Me and the pope made plans to go to the zoo and see “Maze Runner 2”. We both are such die hard fans! Me and the Pope are besties! It’s like he’s my long lost twin. We sat on my lawn playin’ Twister till dawn! Don’t tell him, but I let him win… He took me in his arms that night and told me, “Baby, you were always right!” I said “Lucky, me!” when Huckabee arrived with his bouquet Or when I got that brand new yacht sent from the NRA But Jesus loves me, this I know because Pope Franny told me so! The room got all smokey when we sang Karaoke from “Rocky III”, well, obviously. Me and the Pope are besties! We raised our hands and shouted “Amen!” As we ate Taco Bell we called God on his cell and now both of them are in my Top Ten! Me and the Pope are besties! Ironically, we’re both not fond of sin! I can’t say I was too surprised when he said I’d be canonized. I knew when those lesbians walked in! I’m just a girl who loves the lord, now I’m collecting my reward, so you can say I’m lyin’ but I ain’t! We’re BFFs as Fs can be, and CNN can vouch for me. So ya’ll will all be sorry, when I’m a fucking saint!