I’m One Lucky Person
I Know It Can’t Be Ignored
It Almost Feels Silly To Wine
I Dated Blake Lively
I’ve Got A People’s Choice Award
Though Those You Can Order Online
But I Have A Purpose
It’s Just On The Brink
Yet Somehow I’m Stuck In A Curse
So As I Lay Down To Sleep
I Reflect and I Think
And Me and A Friend Converse
Dear God…

Johnny Depp Was My Brother
From An Overweight Mother
So Give Me An Oscar
I Went Through Growing Pains
With My Buddy Claire Daines
So Give Me An Oscar
I Peed In Some Jars,
Still I Heard Voters Say
Sure, Leo Got Naked
But Jamie Played Ray!
(Still Love You Jamie)
But I Need Some Gold
To Replace My Blue
I’m Fully Prepared To Make Marvin’s Room 2
So Give Me An Oscar
That’s All The Internet Asks Of You

I Got Shot In A Pool
And It Looked Pretty Cool
So Give Me an Oscar
And On The Soundtrack They Play
Stuff By Lana Del Ray
So Give Me An Oscar
You’ve Seen “Wolf of Wall Street”
You Watched Me Go Crazy
And You Deserve Something More
Once You’ve Slept With Scorcese
He Spent The Whole Time Talking About His Mother
Sure, I was fine in J. Edgar
You Could Put That On Tape
But Baby, I’ve Moved On,
And Started To Vape
So Give Me An Oscar
You Owe Me For Gilbert Grape

Check it out! I’ve been practicing my acceptance speech!
La La La La La La La, Thanks For This Oscar!
La La La La La La La, Thanks For This Oscar!
La La La La La La La, Thanks Alejandro!
La La La La La La La, This One’s For You Tom!
Screw you, Eddie Redmayne!
I’m just kidding! Let’s do lunch sometime! Okay?

Fish Gotta Swim and Birds Gotta Fly
And I Gotta Fulfill My Dreams
If I Lose Think About How The World Will Fry
And Think Of The Endless Memes
I’ve Got Beautiful Eyes
But They Can’t Hypnotize
So That’s Why I’m Lightin’ A Candle
There Real Diversity Problem in Hollywood
Is the one that’s there on my mantle!

Sure My Critics May Groan He
Just Slept In A Pony
He Just Wants An Oscar
Well, I Got Raped By A Bear
And I Grew Facial Hair
That’s Grounds for an Oscar!
I Fell In Love With Kate Winslet
Then I Sank To My Doom
Into The Atlantic
Even Though There Was Room.
Blame James Cameron for that one! Just kidding! Love Ya Jimmy!
I’m Begging You This God,
If You Gave Me The Dad Bod
You Can Help Buzzfeed Stop Cryin’ “If Only”
So Give Me An Oscar
Give Me An Oscar
Give Me, Just Give Me, Just One Fucking Oscar!
Give Me an Oscar,
My Golden Globes Are Getting Lonely

Sorry about “The Man In The Iron Mask”